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Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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