They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
