my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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