I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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