apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
