I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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