Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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