The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
