Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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