we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
