this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
