Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
