remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
