She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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