I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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