I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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