He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
