well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
