I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
