Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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