I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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