I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Never joke about your clitoris.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
