Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
