so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
