WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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