Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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