have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
