We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
