sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He passed out mid-signature
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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