Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
