dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
