Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
