I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
