I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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