Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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