Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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