I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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