My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
