Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
