I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
