Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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