I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
