Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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