I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
