i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
