Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
