Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
