After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Come on in and take your pants off
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
