Yo dont text me then not text me
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
