Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
