I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
