i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
