You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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