Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
