First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
40s are totally the cure
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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