Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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