you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
