You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
