You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
