I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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