im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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