I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
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He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
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I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.