I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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