$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
