I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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