this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
