Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
